i put things in the clouds

i find myself pretty dis-interesting. not too witty, a very dry person.
i guess sometimes i'm fun to be around.
i notice my dryness when i'm with someone, 1 on 1.
it seems like the experience always lacks when its just me and one other person.
there is always a lot less talking, unless its about a problem.
nothing usually fun. stories aren't usually made.
i wonder if its because of me.
or do i surround myself with boring people?
maybe im not enthusiastic enough.
this lack of withs and enthusiasm, i may have, is probably what makes these experiences,
collectively idle.
i put things in the clouds.

writing about family becuase its on my mind

its been getting to me a bit lately about family.
i think this is the age where you are supposed to understand that you are in it on your own.
but that is ridiculous. why cant we be in it together for ever?
its something of an interesting feeling when someone who you never met loves you just because.
why do they love me? i was never there for them and have never even spent time with them.
its hard to match up to their love. i feel i need to fill their cup with something sweet.
just to make it real.
i also wish i was a better brother. surely a better example.
i wish i was someone they could look up to. i feel pretty small.
i wish i was the brother that stood up for my younger brother rather than picked on him.
also that i didn't introduce him to certain things.
i wish i would have been brave enough to fight in the defense of honor.
my family doesn't say much to me when i call them. or even when they call me.
at this rate there seems to be no growth.
is this how it is supposed to be?
are they trying to get a point across by not saying anything?
i feel like they're slowly weening me out of their thoughts.
i miss my little brother. i look up to the kid. he's my hero.