the conflict between trust and paranoia

i'm supposed to trust my family
but what reasons do they have to have faith in me?
why are they so passive aggressive
am i missing something?
wouldnt family tell me if im digging too deep
deep enough for them to feel it?
if they "do" feel it.
why would they let me take them under?
i dont like how i get looked at
i dont feel like i have family.
i call my people friends, if they are family to me
i get this from my dad.
family isnt this for that.
i dont consider myself to have friends
because i cant trust them?
i can trust them tho.
i dont let myself trust anyone
its a problem that i have
i have no reason to distrust them
theyve shown me their faith
maybe im reflecting what i see in myself onto others.
but i think i am a good person.
i try hard and am filled with respect.
or is this just another thing i try to convince myself of
sometimes i feel like i may have a condition and
nobody is telling me because they wouldnt want to hurt my feelings,
or something
help me with an example.
i dont honestly believe i have a problem.
but i sure get the vibe.
maybe im a hard person to enjoy.
i feel like at any moment, my friends or family, will show me something.
something that will hurt
something that will make me realize how fucked up i am
buy why would anyone bother with such an event.
this is what makes it ridiculous.
i might be subconsciously keeping my spirits up
by convincing myself that nothing is wrong
like playing ignorant.
drinking and acting like a jackass
to make my self laugh
forgetting and pretending like there is nothing wrong
keeping my hands busy
doing things to help myself get out
and go somewhere new.
just to start the cycle all over again.
because it will happen again.
i just end up feeling that way.

i will be very lonely unless i learn to trust.

i put things in the clouds

i find myself pretty dis-interesting. not too witty, a very dry person.
i guess sometimes i'm fun to be around.
i notice my dryness when i'm with someone, 1 on 1.
it seems like the experience always lacks when its just me and one other person.
there is always a lot less talking, unless its about a problem.
nothing usually fun. stories aren't usually made.
i wonder if its because of me.
or do i surround myself with boring people?
maybe im not enthusiastic enough.
this lack of withs and enthusiasm, i may have, is probably what makes these experiences,
collectively idle.
i put things in the clouds.

Exercise 1

Inhale real deep. god what a mess. the smoke fights the air and scatters out the window. i really like what the fog looks like at night around certain lights on the interstate. i know exactly which lights are going to fuel my appreciation. they are very tall and the actual bulbs almost orbit around the top of the pole. my coughing is not effective, almost tho. i should quit smoking because i want to sing well. i cant hold a pitch because i smoke too much. i am too busy all of the time. i seldom have time for myself. the wind is violent so i have to turn the music up pretty loud to hear it. all of the windows are down. tonight feels good outside tonight but the weather is sure getting under my skin. this town and this life. tomorrow i have school and have to walk jared from his school back to my house. this kid yells everything he says! i ask him about girls at his school and he hates it. 8 years old is young tho. him and i had a lot of fun at heb last week. we ran a lot and yelled a lot.
im done and dont want to keep going.
til next time