Dumpfries, VA

so, another attempt to quit/cut back on smoking. i really enjoy singing but i have a very hard time holding a pitch or even singing in an attractive way, because of how much i smoke.
i have no more money. a factor that gets put into play, when i am broke, is how often i bum cigarettes off of my friends. also, i end up rolling cigs. these are indications that i am low on funds.
ive tried quitting a few times but my motivation is always because i know i wont be able to buy another pack tomorrow. the same applys this time. ehh. so ill just say im cutting back.
fuck quitting.
smoking is a luxury i enjoy.
anyways, the method i am using this time is nasty as shit.
i talked to my good friend in florida and his method has worked.
pretty much, nicotine patches are shit. ive tried them before and end up smoking while i have one on. also, i had a hard time sleeping and when i did, i experienced the most lucid, tripped out dreams, ever! which were kinda neat but i was wayyy tired when i woke up. when i ran out of patches, i just smoked a lot more too. i really suck at using those patches.
sooo, with the disgusting method my good friend used, i bought a can or copenhagen pouches.
i probily should have gotten some flavored skoal or something because these cope pouches TASTE HORRIFIC! haha.
the smell is pretty rank too.
and this smell is exactly why i am writing this blog.
this smell made me think of being a little dude.

my dad dips tobacco. or he used to. i really dont know.
he did when i was a little shit in virginia. thats where i lived.
i remember how he would hide it. i would always wonder what was going on with that circular object in his pocket. sometimes it was in the door pocket of out van.
i remember he also chewed trident gum.
when i asked for a piece of gum, he would give me one.
but this gum didnt smell as minty and i expected, never when it came out of his pocket.
he would pull the pack of gum out of his pocket along with pennies, receipts, and of course, the can of chew.
i would put the gum in my mouth and it tasted old, minty but old with a hint of my dad's pocket.
i always thought that smell was pennies. when i was little, the only pennies i came across was the ones from my dad's pocket.
this was a familiar smell of my dad.
loose change and chewing tobacco.

and some pictures of a 1990's lower-middle class family on the next entry
(my scanner is sucking)

the conflict between trust and paranoia

i'm supposed to trust my family
but what reasons do they have to have faith in me?
why are they so passive aggressive
am i missing something?
wouldnt family tell me if im digging too deep
deep enough for them to feel it?
if they "do" feel it.
why would they let me take them under?
i dont like how i get looked at
i dont feel like i have family.
i call my people friends, if they are family to me
i get this from my dad.
family isnt this for that.
i dont consider myself to have friends
because i cant trust them?
i can trust them tho.
i dont let myself trust anyone
its a problem that i have
i have no reason to distrust them
theyve shown me their faith
maybe im reflecting what i see in myself onto others.
but i think i am a good person.
i try hard and am filled with respect.
or is this just another thing i try to convince myself of
sometimes i feel like i may have a condition and
nobody is telling me because they wouldnt want to hurt my feelings,
or something
help me with an example.
i dont honestly believe i have a problem.
but i sure get the vibe.
maybe im a hard person to enjoy.
i feel like at any moment, my friends or family, will show me something.
something that will hurt
something that will make me realize how fucked up i am
buy why would anyone bother with such an event.
this is what makes it ridiculous.
i might be subconsciously keeping my spirits up
by convincing myself that nothing is wrong
like playing ignorant.
drinking and acting like a jackass
to make my self laugh
forgetting and pretending like there is nothing wrong
keeping my hands busy
doing things to help myself get out
and go somewhere new.
just to start the cycle all over again.
because it will happen again.
i just end up feeling that way.

i will be very lonely unless i learn to trust.