the conflict between trust and paranoia

i'm supposed to trust my family
but what reasons do they have to have faith in me?
why are they so passive aggressive
am i missing something?
wouldnt family tell me if im digging too deep
deep enough for them to feel it?
if they "do" feel it.
why would they let me take them under?
i dont like how i get looked at
i dont feel like i have family.
i call my people friends, if they are family to me
i get this from my dad.
family isnt this for that.
i dont consider myself to have friends
because i cant trust them?
i can trust them tho.
i dont let myself trust anyone
its a problem that i have
i have no reason to distrust them
theyve shown me their faith
maybe im reflecting what i see in myself onto others.
but i think i am a good person.
i try hard and am filled with respect.
or is this just another thing i try to convince myself of
sometimes i feel like i may have a condition and
nobody is telling me because they wouldnt want to hurt my feelings,
or something
help me with an example.
i dont honestly believe i have a problem.
but i sure get the vibe.
maybe im a hard person to enjoy.
i feel like at any moment, my friends or family, will show me something.
something that will hurt
something that will make me realize how fucked up i am
buy why would anyone bother with such an event.
this is what makes it ridiculous.
i might be subconsciously keeping my spirits up
by convincing myself that nothing is wrong
like playing ignorant.
drinking and acting like a jackass
to make my self laugh
forgetting and pretending like there is nothing wrong
keeping my hands busy
doing things to help myself get out
and go somewhere new.
just to start the cycle all over again.
because it will happen again.
i just end up feeling that way.

i will be very lonely unless i learn to trust.

i put things in the clouds

i find myself pretty dis-interesting. not too witty, a very dry person.
i guess sometimes i'm fun to be around.
i notice my dryness when i'm with someone, 1 on 1.
it seems like the experience always lacks when its just me and one other person.
there is always a lot less talking, unless its about a problem.
nothing usually fun. stories aren't usually made.
i wonder if its because of me.
or do i surround myself with boring people?
maybe im not enthusiastic enough.
this lack of withs and enthusiasm, i may have, is probably what makes these experiences,
collectively idle.
i put things in the clouds.

Exercise 1

Inhale real deep. god what a mess. the smoke fights the air and scatters out the window. i really like what the fog looks like at night around certain lights on the interstate. i know exactly which lights are going to fuel my appreciation. they are very tall and the actual bulbs almost orbit around the top of the pole. my coughing is not effective, almost tho. i should quit smoking because i want to sing well. i cant hold a pitch because i smoke too much. i am too busy all of the time. i seldom have time for myself. the wind is violent so i have to turn the music up pretty loud to hear it. all of the windows are down. tonight feels good outside tonight but the weather is sure getting under my skin. this town and this life. tomorrow i have school and have to walk jared from his school back to my house. this kid yells everything he says! i ask him about girls at his school and he hates it. 8 years old is young tho. him and i had a lot of fun at heb last week. we ran a lot and yelled a lot.
im done and dont want to keep going.
til next time

writing about family becuase its on my mind

its been getting to me a bit lately about family.
i think this is the age where you are supposed to understand that you are in it on your own.
but that is ridiculous. why cant we be in it together for ever?
its something of an interesting feeling when someone who you never met loves you just because.
why do they love me? i was never there for them and have never even spent time with them.
its hard to match up to their love. i feel i need to fill their cup with something sweet.
just to make it real.
i also wish i was a better brother. surely a better example.
i wish i was someone they could look up to. i feel pretty small.
i wish i was the brother that stood up for my younger brother rather than picked on him.
also that i didn't introduce him to certain things.
i wish i would have been brave enough to fight in the defense of honor.
my family doesn't say much to me when i call them. or even when they call me.
at this rate there seems to be no growth.
is this how it is supposed to be?
are they trying to get a point across by not saying anything?
i feel like they're slowly weening me out of their thoughts.
i miss my little brother. i look up to the kid. he's my hero.

busy and something else

Good music. I've come across a band called Holiday Shores from Tallahassee. A good dose of reverberated hipster surf rock. I LOVE IT.
Maybe you should listen to them as you read.
Holiday Shores - Columbus'd the Whim


I AM ALWAYS BUSY! I am always somewhere and something else.
I also got a traffic ticket yesterday. I never speed, EVER, but this time I did. Whadda you know, right when we pull into Tascha's school to go out for lunch, there was a cop behind us. I was driving and Trish was on the phone with Tascha. "No, we arent getting pulled, oh wait, yes we are." DAMMIT! Speeding ticket, failure to show proof of insurance and a break light out.
This one will be hefty.
Last night, we went to an acquaintance's house to drink and such. I met this guy on craigslist. While living in killeen/fthood, most of my social relationships are rooted from this website. All of them were through ads on the musician board or through people I met on the musician board. All except Tascha tho, because shes a creeper, but its a good thing.
I got off topic.
I don't like drinking liquor so I brought beer. Also i was driving, so I only had three.
It was fun?
I'm more of a porch drinker. At gatherings like last night's, I don't have as good of a time. I feel like I wasted time actually. I would much rather drink with close friends and not just drink to get compleatly shitfaced. I enjoy drinking games for sure, but once a game is over, everyone seems instantly bored. We did play some music tho.
Open tunings make the world easier.
I have to go to the school today.
I never wanted to go to school.
I have always felt like I have the drive to get somewhere with out it. So, why pay for something you feel like you REALLY dont need. Well, it turns out, you cant do much with out good marks and a paper to prove it. Like having credit.
Something to make it look like I did something. When it reality, I just followed the standard plan.
That doesn't sound like me, doing something for myself, on my own. Not to me.

Cockoo Nest

today starts the journey to bring artistic culture into a culture-less town.

cuckoo nest club hosts a poetry reading that started last friday and i am off work for the evening.

i'm tired of stomping on the floor just to make a noise.
and i am tired of tanks firing throughout the night, making my walls crack.
time to listen to something different



time to go hear someones voice.