Saturday, September 26, 2009

the conflict between trust and paranoia

i'm supposed to trust my family
but what reasons do they have to have faith in me?
why are they so passive aggressive
am i missing something?
wouldnt family tell me if im digging too deep
deep enough for them to feel it?
if they "do" feel it.
why would they let me take them under?
i dont like how i get looked at
i dont feel like i have family.
i call my people friends, if they are family to me
i get this from my dad.
family isnt this for that.
i dont consider myself to have friends
because i cant trust them?
i can trust them tho.
i dont let myself trust anyone
its a problem that i have
i have no reason to distrust them
theyve shown me their faith
maybe im reflecting what i see in myself onto others.
but i think i am a good person.
i try hard and am filled with respect.
or is this just another thing i try to convince myself of
sometimes i feel like i may have a condition and
nobody is telling me because they wouldnt want to hurt my feelings,
or something
help me with an example.
i dont honestly believe i have a problem.
but i sure get the vibe.
maybe im a hard person to enjoy.
i feel like at any moment, my friends or family, will show me something.
something that will hurt
something that will make me realize how fucked up i am
buy why would anyone bother with such an event.
this is what makes it ridiculous.
i might be subconsciously keeping my spirits up
by convincing myself that nothing is wrong
like playing ignorant.
drinking and acting like a jackass
to make my self laugh
forgetting and pretending like there is nothing wrong
keeping my hands busy
doing things to help myself get out
and go somewhere new.
just to start the cycle all over again.
because it will happen again.
i just end up feeling that way.

i will be very lonely unless i learn to trust.

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