writing about family becuase its on my mind

its been getting to me a bit lately about family.
i think this is the age where you are supposed to understand that you are in it on your own.
but that is ridiculous. why cant we be in it together for ever?
its something of an interesting feeling when someone who you never met loves you just because.
why do they love me? i was never there for them and have never even spent time with them.
its hard to match up to their love. i feel i need to fill their cup with something sweet.
just to make it real.
i also wish i was a better brother. surely a better example.
i wish i was someone they could look up to. i feel pretty small.
i wish i was the brother that stood up for my younger brother rather than picked on him.
also that i didn't introduce him to certain things.
i wish i would have been brave enough to fight in the defense of honor.
my family doesn't say much to me when i call them. or even when they call me.
at this rate there seems to be no growth.
is this how it is supposed to be?
are they trying to get a point across by not saying anything?
i feel like they're slowly weening me out of their thoughts.
i miss my little brother. i look up to the kid. he's my hero.

busy and something else

Good music. I've come across a band called Holiday Shores from Tallahassee. A good dose of reverberated hipster surf rock. I LOVE IT.
Maybe you should listen to them as you read.
Holiday Shores - Columbus'd the Whim


I AM ALWAYS BUSY! I am always somewhere and something else.
I also got a traffic ticket yesterday. I never speed, EVER, but this time I did. Whadda you know, right when we pull into Tascha's school to go out for lunch, there was a cop behind us. I was driving and Trish was on the phone with Tascha. "No, we arent getting pulled, oh wait, yes we are." DAMMIT! Speeding ticket, failure to show proof of insurance and a break light out.
This one will be hefty.
Last night, we went to an acquaintance's house to drink and such. I met this guy on craigslist. While living in killeen/fthood, most of my social relationships are rooted from this website. All of them were through ads on the musician board or through people I met on the musician board. All except Tascha tho, because shes a creeper, but its a good thing.
I got off topic.
I don't like drinking liquor so I brought beer. Also i was driving, so I only had three.
It was fun?
I'm more of a porch drinker. At gatherings like last night's, I don't have as good of a time. I feel like I wasted time actually. I would much rather drink with close friends and not just drink to get compleatly shitfaced. I enjoy drinking games for sure, but once a game is over, everyone seems instantly bored. We did play some music tho.
Open tunings make the world easier.
I have to go to the school today.
I never wanted to go to school.
I have always felt like I have the drive to get somewhere with out it. So, why pay for something you feel like you REALLY dont need. Well, it turns out, you cant do much with out good marks and a paper to prove it. Like having credit.
Something to make it look like I did something. When it reality, I just followed the standard plan.
That doesn't sound like me, doing something for myself, on my own. Not to me.