writing about family becuase its on my mind

its been getting to me a bit lately about family.
i think this is the age where you are supposed to understand that you are in it on your own.
but that is ridiculous. why cant we be in it together for ever?
its something of an interesting feeling when someone who you never met loves you just because.
why do they love me? i was never there for them and have never even spent time with them.
its hard to match up to their love. i feel i need to fill their cup with something sweet.
just to make it real.
i also wish i was a better brother. surely a better example.
i wish i was someone they could look up to. i feel pretty small.
i wish i was the brother that stood up for my younger brother rather than picked on him.
also that i didn't introduce him to certain things.
i wish i would have been brave enough to fight in the defense of honor.
my family doesn't say much to me when i call them. or even when they call me.
at this rate there seems to be no growth.
is this how it is supposed to be?
are they trying to get a point across by not saying anything?
i feel like they're slowly weening me out of their thoughts.
i miss my little brother. i look up to the kid. he's my hero.