mix-tape mix-taste and a rant

ima be posting the mixtape playlist in a couple of weeks. i just gotta take a drivers course. haha. that has nothing to do with the mixtape. i will continue to bring up the idea for the mixtape and if you are interested. comment the posts that talk about it. this one is gonna be good. maybe ill hook you up with goodies if you show some love.
also, if there is a song that is defining your fall season. tell me about it. ill take it in and let it make magic all over the walls. something to expect from a potential hard copy

its not like i want to get away because of something i hate. although, im not a fan of how school feels. i really dont like the culture. i acutally feel like shit when i think about where i am. when i sit and think about where i live, i buggs me. i am stuck on the grid known as on post housing for military families. please dont take me as unappreciative. i love my mother. she has done so much for me. i honestly wish she didnt live on post. i wish none of them did. they should all have houses on the beach or ontop of hills becuase of the kind of effort they put in for this country. but eh, this is how it happened. and we are gonna face it til we are ready to move on.
i want to leave. i cant really justify why i want to. at least not in a logical way. like, i really like how that field looks, it meets the sky perfectly. logically, i dont have a good reason. i dont plan to build a house on that land. there is no growth for me in that location. i am perfectly satisified with looking at it. even for a couple seconds. i wont get bored or think on it too long. just enough to develop a feeling. and with this town ive developed the feeling. i do not plan to explain myself. this place doesnt feel good and the idea of the pacific north west does. maybe when i get there ill end up changing my mind. but i am positive that there is more growth, especially compared to here.
im ranting like hell. fuck it.

what an inspiration

all of this music and all of these videos have been a big part of my days recently.
in the middle of december, i will post a mixtape of a sort. all of my fall listenings.
i am a beliver in fall music. just like how there are summer anthems and hits. about summer love and being with friends.
fall has always impacted me the most. always. the weather always reminds me of what comfort is.
i dont mean comfort like temperature really. i am honestly a warm weather person.
i mean comfort. understanding what you want most. wanting over needing. and being comfortable with how i feel with what i want.
these songs will be there for me.
and whenever i listen to the songs again, next year or the year after, the reflections will be of warmth. the warmth that is to be found.

the conflict between trust and paranoia

i'm supposed to trust my family
but what reasons do they have to have faith in me?
why are they so passive aggressive
am i missing something?
wouldnt family tell me if im digging too deep
deep enough for them to feel it?
if they "do" feel it.
why would they let me take them under?
i dont like how i get looked at
i dont feel like i have family.
i call my people friends, if they are family to me
i get this from my dad.
family isnt this for that.
i dont consider myself to have friends
because i cant trust them?
i can trust them tho.
i dont let myself trust anyone
its a problem that i have
i have no reason to distrust them
theyve shown me their faith
maybe im reflecting what i see in myself onto others.
but i think i am a good person.
i try hard and am filled with respect.
or is this just another thing i try to convince myself of
sometimes i feel like i may have a condition and
nobody is telling me because they wouldnt want to hurt my feelings,
or something
help me with an example.
i dont honestly believe i have a problem.
but i sure get the vibe.
maybe im a hard person to enjoy.
i feel like at any moment, my friends or family, will show me something.
something that will hurt
something that will make me realize how fucked up i am
buy why would anyone bother with such an event.
this is what makes it ridiculous.
i might be subconsciously keeping my spirits up
by convincing myself that nothing is wrong
like playing ignorant.
drinking and acting like a jackass
to make my self laugh
forgetting and pretending like there is nothing wrong
keeping my hands busy
doing things to help myself get out
and go somewhere new.
just to start the cycle all over again.
because it will happen again.
i just end up feeling that way.

i will be very lonely unless i learn to trust.

writing about family becuase its on my mind

its been getting to me a bit lately about family.
i think this is the age where you are supposed to understand that you are in it on your own.
but that is ridiculous. why cant we be in it together for ever?
its something of an interesting feeling when someone who you never met loves you just because.
why do they love me? i was never there for them and have never even spent time with them.
its hard to match up to their love. i feel i need to fill their cup with something sweet.
just to make it real.
i also wish i was a better brother. surely a better example.
i wish i was someone they could look up to. i feel pretty small.
i wish i was the brother that stood up for my younger brother rather than picked on him.
also that i didn't introduce him to certain things.
i wish i would have been brave enough to fight in the defense of honor.
my family doesn't say much to me when i call them. or even when they call me.
at this rate there seems to be no growth.
is this how it is supposed to be?
are they trying to get a point across by not saying anything?
i feel like they're slowly weening me out of their thoughts.
i miss my little brother. i look up to the kid. he's my hero.